Saturday, December 17, 2005

Buying my way into Christmas

I am so out of control. A few people have said pretty much the same thing. I was not really looking forward to Christmas this year too many things have been dragging this year down: this, this, this, this was not good either.
Now, I am pretty sure I've finally snapped. I told myself that I was going to get into the Christmas spirit no matter what it takes. It looks like I am buying my way into Christmas this year. I have an insane Christmas gift list and I have been all over town looking for the "perfect" gift for each person on that list. I think I have gone through all the stores in town so where am I going to next? I am going to Vegas tomorrow... I wonder where the stores are over there?

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Anniversary of John Lennon's death

Had this song stuck in my head all morning. One of my favorites.

Watching the Wheels Go
People say I'm crazy doing what I'm doing,
Well they give me all kinds of warnings to save me from ruin,
When I say that I'm o.k. they look at me kind of strange,
Surely you're not happy now you no longer play the game,

People say I'm lazy dreaming my life away,
Well they give me all kinds of advice designed to enlighten me,
When I tell that I'm doing Fine watching shadows on the wall,
Don't you miss the big time boy you're no longer on the ball?

I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round,
I really love to watch them roll,
No longer riding on the merry-go-round,
I just had to let it go,

People asking questions lost in confusion,
Well I tell them there's no problem,
Only solutions,
Well they shake their heads and they look at me as if I've lost my mind,
I tell them there's no hurry...
I'm just sitting here doing time,

I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round,
I really love to watch them roll,
No longer riding on the merry-go-round,
I just had to let it go.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Cleaning out the ATTIC: Pt. 2

This is not as easy as I thought it would be. I guess it never was, otherwise I would have dealt with it the first time around.

Second box...
I have had these strong feelings for someone and I have kept it a secret for a long time. Through the years I got to know her and as I got to know her better those feelings remained.
About 3 months ago, I found enough courage to let her know how I felt. It was definitely one of the hardest thing I had ever done. My heart was wasn't racing but it was thumping like a bass drum. In the back of my head I kept hearing Robbie the Robot saying "Danger Wil Robinson, Danger!" over and over. As I was pouring my heart out, all I heard was gibberish coming out of my mouth. I either ran out of things to say or just gave up trying to say anything coherent.

I want to say that I am better off for finally letting all that out into the open but I really can't...
I talk to her even less now. I see her even less than that. I want to go back to the days when we were "just friends" at least there were laughs then.

So the little voice of insecurities lodged deep in my head is yelling...
Courage = stupidity
"It is YOU!!"
What were you thinking?
Go back to the minors!

That little voice really bugs, but at least it's talking to me...

Monday, December 05, 2005

Cleaning out the ATTIC a box at a time

Been doing a lot of thinking lately and I've come to the conclusion that I should stop doing that.
A lot of things come out to the open when I do any kind of really deep thinking. One of the main thing I tend to do is to put things aside to come back to later. Apparently, I do that a lot, because things have really been stacking up.

I have always thought I was very secure in my faith. There was a time in my life when danger was the norm and by all rights I should not be here writing this. Coming out of that place and situation in the condition I was in was nothing short of a miracle, it wouldn't have been possible without Divine intervention, God was watching out for me.
Lately, my faith has really been taking a beating. After all I've been through that is not an easy thing for me to admit let alone write about.

In the first box...
There are issues at my church that have cause some division among the congregation. A decision has to be made by the members to decide the church's future. I have decided not to take a side as far as the options are concerned. I had voiced out a concern that for something this important more options should be investigated and made available. Some how, it turns into an argument. I regret my part of such arguments that was never my intent.
When those involved tell me that they are being led by God to push for this option or that option, how can I argue with that? I have never felt as if I was being led to do anything. I don't have that connection, I don't think I ever had. I only have what my logic tells me and my logic can only get me so far. I CAN'T argue or fight against anyone who tells me they are being led by God, so I WON'T. I just pray that whatever the outcome that people know that their responsibilities do not end once their ballot is cast, there is more work to be done. Whatever they decide, they should still serve with the same intensity or more since it is basically a new beginning. So, if they are being led by God towards this end, who am I to fight it? But what if two or more sides are "being led"?
I hope this doesn't sound as bad as how it has been ringing in my ears, but I am trying not to make those problems a concern for me right now. Yeah, I guess it still sounds pretty bad.
As I said in the beginning, my faith is really taking a beating these days. I have been trying to charge it up, to "kick it up a notch" through different things. I am reading more, studying more, talking to people about their walk with Christ, I've been praying more than I have ever prayed. I've asked a few people who I feel are so in touch and firm in their Walk to mentor or disciple me. The list goes on...
A friend told me that I should take a leap of faith. He told me that obviously, I've done it before otherwise I wouldn't even be here. Thing about Leaps of Faith is that if you do not have enough, you fall to your death.