SNAFU

It seems that this has become such a recurring theme: Can we end this year already?!!!
There has not been a lot of reasons to celebrate in the last 12 months! My youngest sister losing her fight with cancer, a good friend dying from pneumonia, I had to put my dog down, a hit and run, It's not claustrophobia... they're anxiety attacks! I learned that I am no longer the man I never was... a high school friend died, root canal, school and work and work II...
Is there an end to this? On top of everything else, my mental, emotional and psychological balance is so off, it's driving me to tears.

Not only do I want 2005 to end already, I just want to skip 2006 all-together and fast forward to the end. This is getting ridiculous. I gotta get out.

Death of a Dream

When will I learn ?
What was I trying to do ?
Live out a dream ?
A stupid dream.

I definitely can’t go through this again.
I knew it wasn’t going to work,
but I kept trying.

I’ve been hurt too much,
too often.
My heart has been broken
too many times
and it takes longer and longer
to fix it.
Each time, a piece is lost.

I no longer have the time
to pick up the pieces,
or the strength
to put it back together,
and I certainly cannot afford
to lose another piece.
It would be fatal.

So much for my dream.
For something so beautiful,
it brought only pain.
It’s time I woke up . . .

Today's passage

I was reading my Bible today and I have this ritual of flipping through the pages and ranomly stopping find a passage. This was today's:

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither heights nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8:38-39

Usually the passage I come up with would be the passage I would try to memorize that day. I was writing it down on a piece of paper that I would use as a sort of bookmark/note that I can refer to throughout the day. Just as I finished writing, I read it again, and again. Then it hit me.
There have been times when I would work contrary to that teaching. I've been mad, everyone has and I have no problem with that. Anger is natural as is joy. But there have been a couple of times when I allowed myself to hate. In that hate I consciously and knowingly wished someone to burn in hell.
After reading the above passage, I was immediately reminded of those times. I felt ill, I felt shame, then I became sad. Knowing that nothing can "separate us from the love of God..." then why do we spend so much energy by practicing the opposite? By keeping God's love away from others?
I think I will be keeping this piece of paper with me a while...

Leather Pants

For those out there who can use a good laugh. Read all the questions people ask this guy about what he is selling on EBay.

Leather Pants

Made me chuckle...

Morro Bay

If you have never been here and you need some quiet, peaceful, relaxing... well, you get the idea, I definitely recommend this place. Not a lot of "exciting" things to do. All it has are killer views, laid back pace, plenty of places to just sit a "recharge" in PEACE. A few good restaurants and oh, did I say peace?
Oh yeah, there's a big 'ole ROCK in the middle of the bay too.

Nothing to Write about

I've been in a real funk lately. Don't really have much to say these days.

Came across this today, thought it was... well... interesting.

VALLETTA (Reuters) - Two hooded gunmen who robbed a pharmacy returned an elderly woman's purse after she told them it contained the only money she had to buy medicine, Maltese newspapers reported Tuesday.

Read the rest here.

Foggy foggy foggy...

It was foggy this morning.
I guess it is a signal that fall is really here (at least in Los Angeles). I like this time of the year. It isn't freezing but sweaters and jackets can be taken out for the evening, scarves come out. I like scarves, though I never got comfortable wearing them. Something about a “blustery” day that really gets me going. My favorite time of the year would be fall/winter, which is odd coming from an island boy like me. For the most part I grew up in Guam and it was all about the beach there. Guam only had three seasons; sunshine, rain, and more rain.
I think I associate Fall/Winter with freedom. The first trip I ever took that required more than two hours of travel without my parents was a trip to Big Bear in the winter (junior high). The first time I was “allowed” to go out and hang with my friends without supervision was for the Friday night football games at school. I was given a curfew, but it was very liberal and it was every week!
These days I like the cool days and chilly evenings. I like watching the fog over golf courses or large areas of grass/trees, for some reason fogs like that. I enjoy being at the beach in the late afternoon/early evening just so I can see the fog come in. There are a lot of great things that I associate with this season. One thing I look forward to each winter is a trip to Lake Tahoe with some very, very good friends. Even though I don’t ski anymore, I still manage to have a lot of fun. When it comes down to it, it’s the company that makes the trip, not to mention the drive up.

Driving to work this morning, there was some fog that obscured the top of the palm trees that line a long street between my house and the freeway. I know how tall those trees are on that street, but with the fog I would imagine they were so much taller.

Have a great blustery day!

Columbus Day

How come no one told me it was Columbus' Day? How come no one told me that today is a holiday?

• People are more than happy to tell me that there are 21 more days to Halloween! Get your Jumbo Candy packs before they run out!
• Veteran's Day is coming up! Originally Armistice Day, but instead of celebrating peace it was changed in 1953 to honor returning soldiers. What? They couldn't keep the peace day and pick another day for the soldiers? I'm all for honoring the men who sacrificed everything for their country, that's the least this country can do for them. So what about the day celebrating peace? Whatever, we have 32 days for that.
• I just heard a radio ad. If you buy $100 worth of groceries at Vons you get a free turkey!! If you haven't been to the groceries lately, $100 is chump change when it comes to groceries. 45 days for turkey day!!!
• Here is the big one!
  76 days before Christmas!

All these heads up for all those holidays! Yet not one word on Columbus' Day. What's up with that? No one couldn't think of something to sell for Columbus' Day?

Emotional Quicksand

Confusion has set in

and we're moments from despair.

The future is as uncertain as ever

and questions long forgotten arise once again...

With no answers.

What WILL tomorrow bring?

What CAN tomorrow bring?

My abyss grows every moment,

ever stronger,

ever darker,

threatening to swallow me whole.

I don't know why I fight the darkness,

I have no reason.

I see no light to aspire to...

There have been a few times in my past that I've felt so "wrung out" that I just wanted to quit everything. I tried it once and it still comes back to me. It is really bad when I am asleep, that's why I have a habit of putting it off as much as I can.

Recent events reminded me of this old poem. I doubt I will ever return to a state that prompted me to write it in the first place. I would like to think I am wiser and much stronger in my faith. But there are times...

More and more

I am still learning more and more things about my sister. It makes me sad that I am finding all these things about her from other people. I am finding out things about her from the things people do because of her. It kind of makes me question if I spend enough time getting to know the people I love.
It seems odd that the closer you get to a complete "picture" of a loved one, the more you miss them when they are no longer around or out of sight. Is that because you know that there are still pieces missing?

The Laura Esguerra Adams Memorial Internship Program

My sister, Celia, just pointed this out to me the other day:

This is from the Senator's website:

U.S. Senator Barbara Boxer established the Laura Esguerra Adams Memorial Internship Program in her Los Angeles Office in memory of Laura, who was the Senator’s web designer from 2001 until her death in September 2005.

Laura Esguerra Adams possessed enormous technical skills and used them to create an innovative and award-winning website. She also brought a passion for public service, believing that technology should be used to increase public involvement in and understanding of our government.

The Laura Esguerra Adams Memorial Internship Program is designed to provide experience to highly motivated and enthusiastic young people who want a first hand experience in public service. Those selected for the program will serve in Senator Boxer's Los Angeles Office.

For information on internships in the Los Angeles office, call Judith Vasquez at 213-894-5000.

Click here to apply.